I always silently smile when someone showers myself with the envious statements like, “Wow, you guys live alone”, “You are privileged to raise your child without any interference” or, “It must be so fun to live on your own”. At some point, this is true, indeed. But, for everyone, the grass is greener on THE OTHER SIDE.
When we shifted to an entirely new city and no relatives around, BabyM was just two months old. It was a struggling phase as for the previous two months, our daughter was being looked after by her aunty and grandmother mostly. I used to get paranoid at 2 am and run towards their rooms if she would cry a little. I was too much dependent on the people around me. My husband got a better job offer in a new city and we decided to move on for better opportunities in life.
All of a sudden, life took a major change and I was all alone in the least furnished house, in a new city with my little baby. It was and is still a struggle for me to manage house chores with a hyperactive baby. We took months to adjust at the new place and accept this change. Initially, we would make plans to run back to our family as it was not easy at all. The burden of responsibilities had actually stunned the pampered child inside ourselves and we were clueless about how to pursue this change. When they think that since I live alone, I can cook, clean or do whatever I want at whatever time. It doesn’t work this way man, No! When you are a mother of a toddler, it doesn’t work this way. For the quickest bathroom visit, I have to wait long enough. Firstly, I have to convince the baby to wait calmly outside washroom and still prepare myself for the crying session at the door. Secondly, the fear of the baby hurting herself is really horrible. Once I had to run to the bathroom leaving BabyM alone in the room. The not-protesting-behavior warned the mother instincts right away. However, I rushed and took the least possible time in my imaginations. In those less than 2 minutes my little creature managed to sit on the top of the dressing table. Can you imagine?? She took advantage of my uncontrollable urge, climbed sofa and jumped onto the almost a foot away dressing like a monkey. This girl is still so afraid of swings but can perform stunts like these to utilize a few minutes of freedom from her 24/7 Momma-guard.
Life is definitely different when you spend life on your own conditions. Meanwhile praising the perks of living separately, the struggles are completely ignored. I have been judgmental too, and I am really sorry for that now. When a girl becomes a mother, she has a responsibility to nurture a soul for the future world. O these are heavy words! But honestly, I do feel like that. The routine has to be there, proper nutrients have to be there for the energetic body and mind, daily mini-lessons, continuous effort of raising a child is there. We are responsible for each and every behaviour, capabilities, success and failure of our child. We ( the parents) have to struggle every day to become a role model for her by smiling, accepting mistakes, controlling the erupting lava inside us, dismissing the fights with partner, appreciating even a smallest good gesture, maintaining the bond with loved ones living far away, and many other uncountable traits which a good human being should have.
Recently, she took advantage of busy parents and tried to climb Baba’s beloved desktop table. We have no idea what exactly happened as we just heard the loud scream. We both skipped a heartbeat and rushed towards our baby. She had hurt her gums and her mouth was filled with blood. I just can’t see her blood. Thankfully husband was at home. He immediately rinsed her mouth with cold water and consoled her. I was frozen with fear. At such incidents, I fear what if she will get hurt someday and nobody would be around to help. At such points in my life, I envy people who live with family around them. Other privileges are secondary, they at least have people around to help at emergencies, have more people to talk to, or at least they see more faces daily than I do.
Motherhood has made me an over thinker and overprotective person, hence the simplest activity becomes really exhausting most of the times. For a reminder, a mother is a human being with limits, flaws and her own wishes as an individual. There are times when I badly crave for someone to be here by my side who can witness the daily routine and talk some sense into my mind to maintain my sanity.
The news of someone’s planning to visit us literally makes us super happy every time. We start listing down the places to visit, food to offer and activities to make the visit more exciting. In case of cancellation of their plan, it becomes a bit off for us. My father has been postponing his visit since forever and now we have started emotional blackmailing THE-Nana. Lol. Yes, we are this desperate. On a serious note, the main reason behind such eagerness is BabyM. We really want her to spend quality time with her loved ones. We crave to see her with her grandparents. We wish to tell our parents, “Oh, you are spoiling her!” I really want her to spend weekends with her cousins like I used to do in my childhood. Unfortunately, it is not possible practically. Video calls are a blessing nowadays to bridge the distance in miles. But with a toddler who loves to carry the phone all by herself and loves to cut the call so it is not an option anymore. Plus, the in-person meet up is far better than a virtual one. And and and… selfishly, I also want them to come so I can also have some company and little distraction from my little monster. I hope now no one will call me a bad mother over this.
In every mother’s life, a time comes when she needs everyone to consider her an individual and not only a mother, wife, daughter or by any other relation. At times, random people advise me to be very cautious around BabyM or keep myself maintained for my husband. I really do appreciate the concerns but at bad moods, really want to answer them to please help me deal with my life rather than just sprinkling the free advice. It might sound rude, but a mother who suffers from the depressing phase is needed to be treated as an individual person first and then anything else.
So basically, I am happy to live my life on my own conditions but at times, it’s so exhausting to raise a child and maintain my sanity altogether. BabyM is a smart energetic kid who keeps Mama engaged (at exhausting level) throughout the day and makes Baba crazy after the office hours. Since the terrible-two-stage is also here to make it worse, I am kind of (Read: completely) losing myself.
Note Dear Baby, whenever you read this, just remember Mama loves you more than anything in this world. Undoubtedly, you are the only person who makes me feel most wanted. You drain Mama’s energy completely but do freshen up my mood with your“I Luboooo” (I Love You) in the end. Now, since Mama has taken all the frustration out, she is feeling better. 😀